My First Day Without Facebook

Five minutes without Facebook… I do believe my body went through some physiological reactions to deleting my account.  I felt my blood pressure elevate, a small amount of adrenaline, quick breathing.  I am ashamed to admit it really, but it was a little scary letting go of it.  I didn’t know what I was losing, but I felt like there was something.

I tried to look at my already loaded Facebook screen on my phone, it reloaded itself and showed me a screen asking me to log in instead.  It felt like a rejection of some kind, after all Facebook and I go back ten years now, as long as any friend I’ve ever kept.  And what was everyone doing?  I didn’t have people to check in on anymore or to comment on their posts or like what they said, how would they know what I thought?  And… what if someone else wanted to read my posts?  They can’t.  They’re gone now.  How strange.

I commented to Jake, “I think I’m just as lonely as I was before, but Facebook let me pretend I wasn’t.  Now I actually have to face up to that.”  He nodded.  Facing loneliness is a scary thing, escaping into social media world allowed me to immerse myself into hundreds of shallow relationships that never really allowed for truly fulfilling connections.  Perhaps now that it’s gone I can begin to build that with the few of you who are still here.  But I won’t lie.  It’s terrifying to me.

*****

Fifteen minutes… we go upstairs to bed.  I ask Jake if I can scroll through his Facebook newsfeed before I go to sleep.  He says no.  I (reluctantly) go to sleep.  I feel frustrated, but I suppose if that’s the worst I feel that’s a good sign.

*****

It has been about ten hours now and I am not really sure what to do with myself.  Usually I wake up and scroll through my Facebook feed for a few minutes while I work up the courage to face my day.  I do this before I even get out of bed!  But I have no Facebook today, so I said a prayer instead, laid there for a few minutes missing my routine, and got up.

I usually check Facebook again while the kids are eating their breakfast.  I haven’t been eating with them most mornings because of not taking my medication on time, (have to wait an hour before I eat) so I’ll just escape into Facebook while there are a few moments of quiet before the craziness starts again.  There’s none of that today, so here I am blogging instead.  I’m not sure if that constitutes progress or not.

*****

Fourteen hours post-Facebook.  It’s mid-morning and I have sat down a couple of times, picked up my phone to do something and then went to open my Facebook browser before remembering it wasn’t there.  I get a tinge of disappointment, and then get up to do something constructive instead of wasting twenty minutes on internet rabbit trails.  Getting more productive, this is good…

*****

Fifteen hours gone and I sat and nursed Kyrie.  I didn’t have anything else to do but just enjoy her.  It was really nice.  I realize how little eye contact we usually make while she’s nursing because I’m usually looking at a screen instead.  When Evie was a baby I focused on her so much more during our nursing sessions.  I need to do that more often; she is already getting so big.

*****

And at about sixteen hours…. HOPE JUST SAT UP ALL BY HERSELF!!! AHHH!!!  I want SO badly to post it all over the internet and I can’t!!!  I am so so so excited.  I put her toy at the end of her bed and when I turned around she was sitting up to reach it!!  I am stunned.  STUNNED.  This is a huge, amazing, wonderful milestone and Jake isn’t home and I have no one to share this with!! AHHH!!!!!

*****

Three hours later (we are at 19hrs now if you are still counting) I am still really wishing I could have posted Hope’s sitting up on Facebook.  She sat up for me five times and no one has heard about it yet.   It. Is. Killing. Me.  And all of the kids are saying hilarious things that would make for great little quotes on Facebook world.  So many posts to post today!  But there will be no posts.  Sigh… Just this blog post.

I have to trust that the people who really, truly care and want to know will keep up with me and our family.  I have to believe that I’m not cutting anyone off who wasn’t ok with losing that connection.  And I have to believe that even if I did unintentionally do that that this is what is best for our family, and my husband and kids have to come first.  Lots of emotions to wrestle with.

*****

Putting Evangeline to bed at twenty-one hours post Facebook deletion and as I went downstairs she said to me “Tootle-loo for now! And do remember me to all your friends!”  Where is Facebook when I need to post these crazy, wonderful things?!  Ahh!!  I need to start a quotes journal or computer log or something…

*****

Twenty-Four Hours.  Well, I made it.  One whole full day without Facebook.  I don’t really miss it.  I miss the convenience of it, but all my muscles are sore from lots of hard work.  I have been more diligent about everything, chores, prayers, mothering intentionally… it’s been a good day.  I think the thing I miss the very most is seeing what is happening with my friends.  I have this blog, but most of my friends and family don’t blog.  I want to be involved in people’s lives.  I want to keep up with everyone who has loved and supported our family.  I’ll need to pray about that.

Realistically I can’t spread myself so thin by being involved in hundreds of people’s lives, even superficially.   I need to build relationships that truly count.  I pray God gives me the wisdom of how to do that.  But today and tomorrow, and the next day I’m just going to focus on getting my own stuff together and building my family back up again.  I’m needed here most of all.

%d bloggers like this: