Peace and Joy

It’s been a long time.

If I do have any readers left, it’s probably only those of you who have subscribed and get a random email of my return.  It’s hard to come back after such a long time and post here, but my husband encouraged me to write, thinking there would be people who’d love to hear from us, so here I am.

As most of you know by now, I quit Facebook a while back, I don’t miss it at all, but when I reactivated my account to look for an old video the other week and saw all the things so many of my friends and acquaintances are going through, my heart just sank.  I’ve really been quite secluded from the rest of the world (living under a rock I think is what they call it).  And although I am able to be more present and focused for my little family, it is not without its sacrifices, and I do miss my friends and the adoption community.

So much has happened over the last year, and yet I don’t feel like much progress has been made until just recently.  It’s difficult to write when you have no good news to share, and although there has been ups and downs, the downs seem to swamp the ups and I am often left feeling like we are going ever backward and never forward.  I want to share our journey because I do think we have been incredibly blessed and I want to share our children with the world because they have changed people’s lives and that’s an amazing gift!

On the other hand, I promised that I would not sugar coat things and I’d be honest here.  And sometimes when hard becomes unbearable, there are just seasons that I would rather not share with the rest of the world.  Perhaps that’s selfish of me.  But there are many moments I’m not sure how to survive without being a little selfish.  So I do hope that the world and my dear readers and my cherished friends and loved ones will all forgive my lack of contact.  Whether it’s here or on social media or by email or phone, I have not really kept up my end of the relationship and for that I am sorry.  Especially since you all have been so faithful and kind to our family through everything.

And with that said, I’ll move on to what most of you really want to know.  How are we doing??

We are doing alright.  The proverbial light at the end of the tunnel seems to peek through much more often these days than it ever used to, and for that I am thankful.  I am still very much dealing with my Hashimoto’s diagnosis.  We don’t have it under control, and sometimes it seems that we get things stabilized and then we go downhill again.  Being crunchy I have done my due diligence with autoimmune protocols and elimination diets, but I cannot seem to get to that place where I am actually healthy.

The last two months have been very difficult.  I have gained quite a lot of weight, none of my clothes really fit anymore.  I’m dealing with intense episodes of depression and I’m having migraines that are far too frequent for it to be ok.  And those are just the tip of the ice burg when it comes to symptoms.  At this point I’m ok with not feeling well, I’m ok with being chronically ill.  I just want to be well enough to take care of my family, and after that I’m at peace with whatever comes.  Not yet at peace with my weight, but maybe in time I’ll learn to be more gentle with myself.

I would like to say that the kids are all doing marvelously, the end.  But we all know better than that.  The children are all doing very well, but there are some difficulties there too.  Hope finally seems to have settled after her last episode of medical trauma last year.  She had casts taken off her legs after surgery and it must have triggered some sort of flashback from years past, she literally sat up from the bed (which she had never done) and began punching the poor tech (also she had never done).  For weeks afterward she was a complete emotional wreck.  I couldn’t touch her for three days without her sobbing.  She would start having flash backs again and was totally terrified of any touch or movement.  It was totally heart wrenching.

But last month when we went in to clinic (a long day of specialists) she didn’t cry once!  We were all shocked that through all the prodding and moving and activity that she was remaining so calm.  Doctor’s offices had always been a trigger for her.  At first I thought it was a fluke, but it has held up and she is doing therapy once or twice a day with no tears!  I feel like she is finally starting to blossom.  We have the surgeries (hopefully) all behind us, and she is finally just had time to settle in without any new trauma.  I see so much potential in her and so much life coming back to her sweet self.  I’m absolutely thrilled for her and can’t wait to see how she continues to grow.

(Speaking of therapy, we are currently living at the Ronald McDonald House near the Children’s Hosptial.  Jacob and Hope are in an intensive therapy program, daily therapy for a month!  It’s an amazing program and we are super excited for it.  I’ll write more about that tomorrow if I can.)

Jacob has also made some great strides.  Some things (like academics) seem to be at a total standstill for him. But he is having some breakthroughs.  He just got a new orthotist who fitted him for braces, and she did such an amazing job that he can now stand independently!!  His record so far is nine and a half minutes without falling.  I cried in her office when he stood up for the first time without help; I had been making peace with the idea of it never happening and now we are working on taking independent steps and working toward walking without canes!  He has a long way to go, but we are finally in a good place to start working on some of his goals and figuring out how to best support him so that he can have the best life possible.

Evangeline is doing wonderfully in school, she taught herself how to read.  We’ve been doing little mini lessons on phonics for years, but not curriculum or anything structured.  And she finally put the puzzle pieces together and is reading on her own!  She also loves ballet and does quite well in it.  Her favorite thing to study is science.  She is fascinated with space, animals, earth science and meteorology and the human body – all of it!  And she is quite the artist too.  I’m excited to see where her gifts take her.

Stephen is still our sports guy.  He does gymnastics and t-ball and loves both.  He does some school too, but not too much at this age.  We do a little bit of math, Bible, memory work and reading.  He wants to be a doctor, baseball player, construction worker and a soldier when he grows up, so I’m not sure if he will end up pursuing all of those or narrow the list a bit. I guess we will see. 😉

We still call Kyrie the baby, but she really isn’t anymore.  The therapist called her a toddler today and it made me just a little sad.  I know she’s a toddler, but she’s still just a baby to me.  She loves all her older siblings and wants to do everything any of them do.  She is even developing their attitude so we are nipping that right away.  My biggest concern for Kyrie is her teeth.  They are quite bad and we haven’t seen a dentist who will really give us a direct answer to it yet.  Considering I was seriously hypothyroid with her pregnancy and didn’t know it, it’s not surprising that her teeth did not form correctly, but it is a frustrating problem and I wish I could just make it better.

There are lots of things to come to peace with.  And there are also many things to take joy in.

Peace and joy, those are my prayers for this year.

Comments

  1. So wonderful to hear from you again! I got excited when I saw the email come through, I’ve been wondering how you all are, and been praying for everyone. Thank you for the update. I will continue to keep all of you in my prayers.

  2. Bertha Neumueller says:

    It is so wonderful to hear from you. I love the pictures that Jake posts. I am totally amazed at all the progress of Hope and Jacob especially. Of course Evie, Stephen and your Baby are so precious. The videos always make my day brighter. You are always in my prayers and I know that time and patience will prove to make your problems improve. God Bless all of you. Thank you so much for the update.
    Love Always
    Bertha

  3. It’s really great to hear from you again Dallas. I’ll be praying for your healing. (((Hugs))) You’ve been missed!

  4. Elizabeth says:

    So wonderful to have you back! I hope you intend to stay awhile. I understand about being chronically ill, because I have my fibromyalgia, my neuropathy and all the chronic fatigue and symptoms that entails, so I feel for you. I get you. It sucks and it’s so hard to think back to all you used to be able to do, but God will help you and make it bearable and make a way for you to function and enjoy life again. I saw you in Jake’s video and you looked beautiful, by the way!

    • dalas.mueller@gmail.com says:

      Aww thank you Elizabeth! I was a little grumpy with him when he said he posted a video of me on Facebook! Lol 😛

  5. Good to hear from you! Keeping you in our prayers! God bless!

  6. i’m finally catching up on my unread items… i have had yours on my radar for a while now… you, my dear, are an inspiration & an encouragement… i have watched you bringing home 2 wonderful children, advocate & still do an amazing job as a mother and wife, all while dealing with your own illness… your posts always remind me that God is definitely and truly into daily miracles… not the big stuff but the little daily strength giving type of miracles which i see in your life every time i read your posts… know that i pray for you whenever i remember & am with you in spirit…

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