The Great and Humbling Gift

This is my fourth post in the series about our adoption journey.  If you haven’t yet, be sure to check out the first three parts of our story here:

Our Adoption Story
I Waited Ten
The Long Wait

The Great and Humbling Gift

After the door was slammed shut to adopting Heath, I spent a few weeks just mourning him.  I was crushed and heartbroken, but I knew that this was not the end of our story.  God did have a child out there for our family.  I didn’t know who and I didn’t know where, but I knew that He had someone in mind for us.  I was talking to one of my dear adoption friends who had been walking with me on this journey, as they were also in process to adopt a sweet boy from Bulgaria.  She sent me the picture of a most precious little girl.

She was about four years old, olive skin, dark hair… gorgeous.  Sound familiar?  She was not the girl from my dream, but she did resemble her in a way I couldn’t deny.  Again, on my own, I made up my mind that we should pursue her adoption.  She had Cerebral palsy, which was a special need both my husband and I felt drawn to.  Jake was reluctant, of course he was!  He didn’t want to see me go through this all over again.  But our circumstances had changed.  The tiny little window of opportunity we had to adopt at that time had passed.  He let me dream and promised we would look into committing when we could.  But it would be a while.

In the meantime another family swooped in and began pursuing her adoption.  It was hard, but not nearly as hard as losing Heath.  I began to wonder if any child would tug on my heartstrings the same way that he had.  By the time Spring came around I had some new life and new hope for our family’s dream of adoption.  Jake would be receiving his first call very soon and we wouldn’t be in school anymore.  I convinced him to start looking at the waiting child lists with me.  “If we do have a child out there, we could be  starting the process soon, we should know who it is so we can pray for them!”, was my argument.  How could he say no to that?

So he very generously sat down and looked through a page of faces.  We had done this several times… always the same, “I feel bad for all of them and I wish I could help all of them, but I don’t feel like any of those children are mine,” was the common refrain.  I, on the other hand, felt like I could bring any of them home!  But during the last of these “scrolling sessions” as I liked to call them, one child did stand out.  One child did touch his heart.  He forgot about this incident later on, but I didn’t.  I knew from then on, that was our son!  It had to be!

I didn’t want to push it though, Jake still needed some time.  We weren’t ready to adopt yet anyway, so I held my tongue for a while and tried something new, revolutionary even.  I just prayed.  I prayed that God would make it 100% crystal clear.  We focused on preparing for graduation and another move.  Jake received his call, we were to go to a congregation in Missouri.  We began packing, preparing… and then on Mother’s Day morning God surprised us both with a great and humbling gift.  I woke up to sick children, we were going to have to skip Church, but Jake worked with a congregation so he still had to go.

There were no flowers or chocolates for the occasion, but before he left he told me that he had a Mother’s Day present for me and that after he left I could check my email.  Off he went and I logged on to see what on Earth this could be.  What I read next still gives me goosebumps…

Dear Love of my Life,

You are an amazing wife and mother!  You sacrifice so much for our family, especially for our children whom you love so dearly.  As a little surprise for you this Mother’s Day I have to tell you about a surprise God gave me.
You see, I had a dream last night.  A very strange dream for me.  It was my last dream of the night and you were in it.  I don’t know where we were exactly.  There was a broad street with a one story long greyish-blue house or building.  I was sitting across the street on a long metal bench waiting for you…  Then all of the sudden you appeared with a little boy in your arms.  You said he was about 4.  He was white with dirty blonde hair and somewhat fattish cheeks.  You were holding back tears as you gave him to me.  You sat him on my lap and I was unsure about him for a couple seconds.  Then I saw how afraid and terrified this little boy looked and  I asked “What’s his name?”  You said, “His name is Jacob …”  I said, “Really?”  Then I turned to the boy who was looking even more afraid and lonely.  So I talked to him and said “Is your name Jacob?  That’s my name too!”  He smiled a little bit but didn’t say anything.  Then I said, “You know what our name means?  It means the angels in heaven are watching out for us special because God loves us even though we wrestle with him.”  Then I wanted to cry.  I asked you what his conditions were and then …….. I woke up.

I don’t know what his conditions were … just that we were supposed to take him home but I don’t know anything about him.  I wasn’t expecting a dream like this … in any way shape or form.  I think I know what it means like you do, I just don’t know where he is or if he is or what this dream was really about if not about getting this boy.Your mother’s day gift from me is to see if you can find this boy while I’m at church … I don’t know if it can be done but I believe in you!

All my love,
I could find only a few children who somewhat matched the description in Jake’s dream.  But it was obvious to both of us very quickly… the little boy who Jake had felt something for the other month was meant to be our son.  What was so great and humbling about this gift?  All along I had been wrestling with my “reluctant” husband.  It was as if we were never on the same page.  I dragged him into the adoption ring for failed attempt after failed attempt.  But if I had only listened, listened to his leading voice, the voice that God had put over to lead me!  It could have saved us both so much heartache.  It was never our time… until it was.  And when it was God made it perfectly clear to my husband.
God’s wisdom was working in Jake the entire way.  I was foolish not to listen to Christ’s wisdom in my husband’s headship.  When it finally was our time to begin, God moved Jake’s heart and mind in a way that was swift and decisive.  Learning to trust, to wait, to be still and know that He is God is such a hard lesson, and I’m still learning it.
To be continued!

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