Growing Up in Pictures

I remember when I was pregnant with Evangeline and I thought that I must  be the worst mother in the world.  I didn’t feel a particularly strong connection with her before she was born and it took some effort for me to consciously think of her and build that love.  And she was growing inside of me!  Sometimes this adoption has been the same way.  I find myself emotionally disconnecting from the who and focusing on the what.  Getting the next paper notarized, mailing things, fundraising, scheduling home study appointments and physicals, etc.

There is certainly enough busy work in adoption that it is easy to get yourself buried in all the immediate details to escape from some of the more painful realities of the situation.  That’s not necessarily helpful or healthy though, especially when it prevents you from praying for your child or from blogging about the adoption because that would mean you need to confront what’s in front of you.  But it’s hard to pray for him, and it’s hard to even blog updates or talk about how our process is going.  It’s just harder than I ever knew it would be.

I always thought I would be one of those adopting moms who blogged constantly about all the little details of our adoption, who prayed multiple times a day until he was in our arms, who was always lost in whatever pictures or video we might be able to see of him.  But I’m not doing any of those things… I am avoiding them.  It’s usually not a conscious avoidance, but I was looking at some of his pictures today in preparing our November newsletter… and I realized how long it had been since I’ve looked at them.  I even forgot we had a few of them.  It’s been months since I’ve watched his video.  It’s too painful.

We have pictures from about four different times over the course of a few years.

He has grown so much.

Here is the earliest picture we have of him…

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Every time I look at it my heart breaks all over again.  All I see is “Where are you mama?” etched all over his face.  He is so little here.

The next picture we have is after he had been at his new orphanage for some time.  There is a little more life in him…

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And then he gets a little older…

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And finally those chubby baby cheeks are gone altogether…

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It is painful to watch your child grow up in pictures.

And though I am thankful to have them, most days I simply cannot look at them.

I should have been the one playing with him on the floor and showing him toys.

I should have been the one taking pictures and making him smile.

I should have been the one tickling him.

It should have been me there… but it wasn’t and it isn’t.

How I cannot wait for that day that it will be me.

P.S. – Please help us bring our boy home!  If you haven’t yet, check out our current fundraisers:

Juri’s Birthday Party

November Auction for Juri

Juri’s Christmas Storefront

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